Today, I am feeling extremely shivery and unsure of myself. It feels like my heart has been beating too fast all day and I have no idea why. I haven't gone anywhere, done anything. I can't think of anything that should be making me anxious. But my body is twitchy unsettled and that seems to have dragged my mind along with it. Maybe it actually is the other way around - maybe something has unsettled my mind and my body is reacting to that. But whichever it is, I am tired of being curled and shaky but I feel like trying to do anything will set anxious body into some sort of overdrive.

Quaking nervous feelings aside, I slept well. I was tired, so. I haven't done anything of merit at all so far today, though, so there you go. I wasn't feeling good yesterday either, curled and sulked and took comfort in food like a moron, I guess this might be something building.

There's plenty of things I could do today. I could keep playing FFIX, which I have barely begun. I could keeping playing Radiant Historia. I could make a Games round-up post, as I have expressed interest in such before. I have posts that need doing, posts I would like done. I want timeskip. Hell, I could even just go do wiki things if I don't feel up to anything more substantial. I wish I could focus on something other than discomfort, hahaha. This is a gross and useless and disgusting journal update, apologies if you read it.

Brr.

Are ginger biscuits an acceptable breakfast? I hope so.

Yesterday was bad. Last night, I guess. I'm not really sure what happened, when it happened, it was just a bad time. I don't know, haha... but let's talk about last day or two, whatever.

Mazey Day isn't the same any more, and I don't really care about sharing it with people any more. Which is itself kind of painful, but that's the way it goes. I am too young to be thinking of my town in terms of "the good old days", but it has visibly and economically deteriorated in the past several years and Mazey Day is a strong indicator of it. The parade is still nice, and it... well, it's not like it's a bad day now. But I just remember so much that isn't there any more, that doesn't happen any more, and I think about all these hopes of sharing my silly little town festival with people I care about and now all I can think is, 'I don't really want them to see it like this though...'

I felt awful last night. I know I sent a message to shinsengumi on my phone and then fell asleep holding it. I know this because I got a message from one of my staff members at 3am. She couldn't sleep, stressed and panicking about the state of things at work right now. What can I do? I'm not the manager. I'm exhausted with it myself. God.

Our current manager (who is not very good) is planning to leave. He's been quite vocal about it, apparently, if it's upset her. He isn't bothering with all the paperwork any more, just dropping anything he thinks he can get away with not doing. He wants out, which is making him negligent. Our stock room is a huge mess at the minute (no, seriously), and she doesn't know if we'll get it all ordered and tidied before the delivery on Wednesday. I know we will. If it comes to it, I'm the mook who'll be staying behind out of hours to make sure it's all in line.

Our work experience girl went for her lunch break on Friday and didn't bother coming back. That seems to be the amount of respect I garner from people, hahaha. Fascinatingly, she came back on Saturday and tried to argue that she couldn't remember anything at all from the previous afternoon, gee. That was the story she decided to go with. Marvelous. Well, whatever, she's been told not to bother coming back again, which is one relief at least because I wouldn't have her working under me again.

I have to leave for work now really, haha. Current manager has taken this coming week off (not without a good reason, but the timing sure is fun), so... I don't know. I just have shivers. If he leaves now, are they going to try and tell me I can't go anywhere in August? What if they haven't employed someone new by then? What if they really try to pressure me into taking the managers position? I don't want it, I won't be made to, but what's that going to do to my standing in this godforsaken company? Oh crumbs, I just. feel like sitting here, not leaving. Just not showing up. I can't do that. I really have to go.

I have started playing Radiant Historia, I really like it a lot. Maybe I'll update about that later, something far more interesting and far less whining, haha.

I am getting such "fuck off" vibes from the world at large. The things I'm trying to do are failing, and the things people want me to do aren't conducive to my own intents and purposes - both come down to a lack of quality on my part. Both come down to, "well, fuck off, then".

~*~FRUSTRATED FUMING~*~