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aestivalis) wrote2012-06-04 10:12 am
aestivalis) wrote2012-06-04 10:12 am
Entry tags:
I won't stay away for too long
I've already left this longer than I intended too, haha, but I have an hour and some to waste now before going to work, so! A few days ago, orc and belf happened. And I have fallen out of the habit of talking about such sessions in the aftermath. I want to talk about it some, for my own reference and because it's always good to try and figure some things out.
This is extremely vaguely World of Warcraft related, but I wouldn't exactly count on that if you actually plan on reading this. My world knowledge is hazier than ever, and it's never been a priority. I RP with one person, I do not care about lore/setting inaccuracies, I AM NOT INTERFERING WITH ANYONE ELSE'S FUN, IT'S FINE. It's fine darn it. As for warnings, well, talk of suicidal thoughts I suppose. Not sure how seriously that should be taken as a warning but I don't want to not say these things, so.
Trying to decide where to start with these things is never easy, ahhh. It's sort of sad, really, how so much seemingly "positive" happened in this session and how little it managed to amount to. I mean, it's really disheartening after its own fashion. I think it's a lot of really important foundation, and I try to hold it as progress toward a hopeful and more positive place, but at the moment it's all just unfortunate.
I'm particular upset about how utterly Daliquinn failed to understand what Daimd was telling him toward the very end of what we played out. Daimd tried to... vocalise the isolation he's felt in his life, the sense that he doesn't work alongside the rest of the world, that he hadn't felt part of anything until he came to know Daliquinn. It's not something I can talk at length about (I'm being vague and flippant as it is, he isn't my character and I won't pretend otherwise), but Daliquinn just utterly didn't get it. And I swear this was the easier part, this isn't even touching on things like Daimd's gender identity. That is going to just leave Daliquinn completely blank. That sort of dialogue is just non-existent in Azeroth, and I think Daliquinn is going to be perhaps even flatter about it than most. And then aggressive, because he's Daliquinn and that's how he deals with things. By not dealing with them.
But anyway, back toward now, he didn't understand what Daimd was telling him. Daliquinn only really heard... the idea that Daimd's life before him was been dull, without incident. It just sullenly translates as Daimd having had it boring and easy before now. It's just... it's not even that he didn't get it, it's that he missed the point so completely and utterly. And what's more, he took it as some indicator to devalue himself in Daimd's eyes. If Daimd has had nothing else worth bothering with, then fine, here he is. It's not like he has anything preferable to turn to.
Daliquinn has been feeling more and more powerless in relation to Daimd, and I'm sure that discontented feeling sort of fed into his reaction here. Daimd is physically stronger than him. Daimd is solid, unwavering (err). Daimd is full of this raw untapped power - he's physically and... metaphysically more powerful than him. Daliquinn relies on Daimd to keep him in check sometimes, but the sheer number of incidents where Daimd has physically restrained him until Daliquinn runs out of the anger/energy to struggle? It's never once been unnecessary, but it's become enough of a pattern of behaviour now that it's getting under Daliquinn's skin. It's unsettling him. He's starting to feel like he has no power at all when placed next to Daimd.
And here's Daimd basically saying 'well actually my whole existence orbits and depends upon you', and Daliquinn doesn't get it because he's too busy feeling like he has no real influence. Is there irony in there? Geez. But really, he's feeling like he has this... like I say, lack of influence. And that makes him inclined to twist things toward negativity and pessimism. So Daimd's words didn't become any of the extremely intimate positive enforcement and admission that they should have been, instead it was just further underscoring to Daliquinn's lack of perceived worth. 'See? It's not even that you're keeping him, he just has no reason to resist. We both know you couldn't stop him if he chose to walk away.'
That thought frightens him, which of course means it makes him angry. But it's very true, in his eyes. Daimd could so easily kill him, it's a polite illusion that they both choose to ignore it. Daimd has every advantage, in Daliquinn's eyes. The fact that they're still together is Daimd's choice, no matter how much he postures otherwise. Daliquinn hates it.
I'm not sure how to get him back on the right track with this. And it's sad that the 'right track' means 'in control', haha, I didn't even think to mean something more mutual. I don't know. I think Daliquinn does need to feel in control of his life. It's important, for obvious reasons when you look at his history. "Controlling" Daimd, and his relationship to Daimd, is a very comforting and almost healing sort of balm to him.
And I think that need for control might be just one of the many factors that brought him to the place where this whole session ultimately ended up. Ahhh, I haven't even talked about what happened and I should, there's so much to be discussed in there really. I suppose ultimately the thing to mention is that Daliquinn was in an incredibly vulnerable place, and showed Daimd all manner of things about himself that he never wanted seen. Daliquinn has always felt that, if Daimd sees that side of him, that will be it. The end, done. Over. It's sort of hard to articulate it really, but... it's happened. Daimd has seen too much, and... well, he seems to be responding very gently, very favourably, but that can't keep the learned response from rising up in Daliquinn. He has always connected this scenario to an end of what exists between them, and that feeling is rising in him now.
It, ahh... I'm explaining things so badly! And running out of time! And that annoys me! But. Daliquinn let Daimd stay when he meditated - in fact he actively called for Daimd to stay, which is even more healthy and pleasing, and I wish I could infer something better from all of this. But he meditated, with Daimd at his back, and then they spoke about dying. And Daimd was figurative and tragic and wounded and Daliquinn was literal and dismissive and withdrawn and it was all a mess. But mm, Daimd said he'll die when Daliquinn does - meaning a sort of spiritual death once Daliquinn is gone from his world, though the elf didn't understand that. Daimd said that, and Daliquinn dimly accepted that, and... quietly decided they're dying soon. Soon.
SEE, this is why I warned for suicidal thoughts, haha. ahhh. Daliquinn, withdrawn and subdued and feeling like whatever he has with Daimd has to be over because look at all Daimd has seen, Daliquinn feels like they mutually agreed to... not quite a suicide pact, because it wasn't discussed and he wouldn't infer that much. But it's a sentiment that they're doing to die now, and Daliquinn is going to... act on it soon. I'm not completely sure how yet, but I don't think he expects to leave those mountains alive. He thinks he's going to die there, and he now expects Daimd to die with him. In his own twisted sort of peaceful way, it's even a lot more than he could have hoped for - yes, things are ending, just as he always knew they would... but they're ending together. Yes, that's a lot more than he ever expected to gain from this life...
I really am running out of time now, and I still don't think I've explained this very well. But I'm not sure what else I can add to this mess. I don't want them to die. I don't think Daliquinn does, he's just accepted it with a sort of lukewarm disconnect - he's vaguely happy with the idea, but he's also shutting down on engaging. He's trying not to acknowledge what's just happened. He can't comprehend that Daimd would stay with him now, and at least there's something warm and poetic and final about this. I think it... ah, he can be eased from this, I'm sure he can, but it's going to reach some sort of head before it improves. He just... needs to hear it, in terms that he'll understand. ... 'it', haha. good luck.
But if I was going to provide hints at all, maybe this last quick paragraph would be a place to start. I was quietly moved by how much Quinn was privately moved by those mountains. Having his blue sky and brilliant sun back, being high up and just basking in it. There's an awful lot of world he hasn't seen yet, and I don't think even he can ignore how much he actually enjoys it. Come on, Daliquinn...
I really wish I had time to read this back or make it make sense of whatever, but alas, it is definitely time for me to go now. But haha, it's sad how little I actually recapped or explained here. This is just a big jumbled mess of half-considered thoughts. I'M SORRY FOR THAT. I TRULY AM. No time, no time, ahhh.
This is extremely vaguely World of Warcraft related, but I wouldn't exactly count on that if you actually plan on reading this. My world knowledge is hazier than ever, and it's never been a priority. I RP with one person, I do not care about lore/setting inaccuracies, I AM NOT INTERFERING WITH ANYONE ELSE'S FUN, IT'S FINE. It's fine darn it. As for warnings, well, talk of suicidal thoughts I suppose. Not sure how seriously that should be taken as a warning but I don't want to not say these things, so.
Trying to decide where to start with these things is never easy, ahhh. It's sort of sad, really, how so much seemingly "positive" happened in this session and how little it managed to amount to. I mean, it's really disheartening after its own fashion. I think it's a lot of really important foundation, and I try to hold it as progress toward a hopeful and more positive place, but at the moment it's all just unfortunate.
I'm particular upset about how utterly Daliquinn failed to understand what Daimd was telling him toward the very end of what we played out. Daimd tried to... vocalise the isolation he's felt in his life, the sense that he doesn't work alongside the rest of the world, that he hadn't felt part of anything until he came to know Daliquinn. It's not something I can talk at length about (I'm being vague and flippant as it is, he isn't my character and I won't pretend otherwise), but Daliquinn just utterly didn't get it. And I swear this was the easier part, this isn't even touching on things like Daimd's gender identity. That is going to just leave Daliquinn completely blank. That sort of dialogue is just non-existent in Azeroth, and I think Daliquinn is going to be perhaps even flatter about it than most. And then aggressive, because he's Daliquinn and that's how he deals with things. By not dealing with them.
But anyway, back toward now, he didn't understand what Daimd was telling him. Daliquinn only really heard... the idea that Daimd's life before him was been dull, without incident. It just sullenly translates as Daimd having had it boring and easy before now. It's just... it's not even that he didn't get it, it's that he missed the point so completely and utterly. And what's more, he took it as some indicator to devalue himself in Daimd's eyes. If Daimd has had nothing else worth bothering with, then fine, here he is. It's not like he has anything preferable to turn to.
Daliquinn has been feeling more and more powerless in relation to Daimd, and I'm sure that discontented feeling sort of fed into his reaction here. Daimd is physically stronger than him. Daimd is solid, unwavering (err). Daimd is full of this raw untapped power - he's physically and... metaphysically more powerful than him. Daliquinn relies on Daimd to keep him in check sometimes, but the sheer number of incidents where Daimd has physically restrained him until Daliquinn runs out of the anger/energy to struggle? It's never once been unnecessary, but it's become enough of a pattern of behaviour now that it's getting under Daliquinn's skin. It's unsettling him. He's starting to feel like he has no power at all when placed next to Daimd.
And here's Daimd basically saying 'well actually my whole existence orbits and depends upon you', and Daliquinn doesn't get it because he's too busy feeling like he has no real influence. Is there irony in there? Geez. But really, he's feeling like he has this... like I say, lack of influence. And that makes him inclined to twist things toward negativity and pessimism. So Daimd's words didn't become any of the extremely intimate positive enforcement and admission that they should have been, instead it was just further underscoring to Daliquinn's lack of perceived worth. 'See? It's not even that you're keeping him, he just has no reason to resist. We both know you couldn't stop him if he chose to walk away.'
That thought frightens him, which of course means it makes him angry. But it's very true, in his eyes. Daimd could so easily kill him, it's a polite illusion that they both choose to ignore it. Daimd has every advantage, in Daliquinn's eyes. The fact that they're still together is Daimd's choice, no matter how much he postures otherwise. Daliquinn hates it.
I'm not sure how to get him back on the right track with this. And it's sad that the 'right track' means 'in control', haha, I didn't even think to mean something more mutual. I don't know. I think Daliquinn does need to feel in control of his life. It's important, for obvious reasons when you look at his history. "Controlling" Daimd, and his relationship to Daimd, is a very comforting and almost healing sort of balm to him.
And I think that need for control might be just one of the many factors that brought him to the place where this whole session ultimately ended up. Ahhh, I haven't even talked about what happened and I should, there's so much to be discussed in there really. I suppose ultimately the thing to mention is that Daliquinn was in an incredibly vulnerable place, and showed Daimd all manner of things about himself that he never wanted seen. Daliquinn has always felt that, if Daimd sees that side of him, that will be it. The end, done. Over. It's sort of hard to articulate it really, but... it's happened. Daimd has seen too much, and... well, he seems to be responding very gently, very favourably, but that can't keep the learned response from rising up in Daliquinn. He has always connected this scenario to an end of what exists between them, and that feeling is rising in him now.
It, ahh... I'm explaining things so badly! And running out of time! And that annoys me! But. Daliquinn let Daimd stay when he meditated - in fact he actively called for Daimd to stay, which is even more healthy and pleasing, and I wish I could infer something better from all of this. But he meditated, with Daimd at his back, and then they spoke about dying. And Daimd was figurative and tragic and wounded and Daliquinn was literal and dismissive and withdrawn and it was all a mess. But mm, Daimd said he'll die when Daliquinn does - meaning a sort of spiritual death once Daliquinn is gone from his world, though the elf didn't understand that. Daimd said that, and Daliquinn dimly accepted that, and... quietly decided they're dying soon. Soon.
SEE, this is why I warned for suicidal thoughts, haha. ahhh. Daliquinn, withdrawn and subdued and feeling like whatever he has with Daimd has to be over because look at all Daimd has seen, Daliquinn feels like they mutually agreed to... not quite a suicide pact, because it wasn't discussed and he wouldn't infer that much. But it's a sentiment that they're doing to die now, and Daliquinn is going to... act on it soon. I'm not completely sure how yet, but I don't think he expects to leave those mountains alive. He thinks he's going to die there, and he now expects Daimd to die with him. In his own twisted sort of peaceful way, it's even a lot more than he could have hoped for - yes, things are ending, just as he always knew they would... but they're ending together. Yes, that's a lot more than he ever expected to gain from this life...
I really am running out of time now, and I still don't think I've explained this very well. But I'm not sure what else I can add to this mess. I don't want them to die. I don't think Daliquinn does, he's just accepted it with a sort of lukewarm disconnect - he's vaguely happy with the idea, but he's also shutting down on engaging. He's trying not to acknowledge what's just happened. He can't comprehend that Daimd would stay with him now, and at least there's something warm and poetic and final about this. I think it... ah, he can be eased from this, I'm sure he can, but it's going to reach some sort of head before it improves. He just... needs to hear it, in terms that he'll understand. ... 'it', haha. good luck.
But if I was going to provide hints at all, maybe this last quick paragraph would be a place to start. I was quietly moved by how much Quinn was privately moved by those mountains. Having his blue sky and brilliant sun back, being high up and just basking in it. There's an awful lot of world he hasn't seen yet, and I don't think even he can ignore how much he actually enjoys it. Come on, Daliquinn...
I really wish I had time to read this back or make it make sense of whatever, but alas, it is definitely time for me to go now. But haha, it's sad how little I actually recapped or explained here. This is just a big jumbled mess of half-considered thoughts. I'M SORRY FOR THAT. I TRULY AM. No time, no time, ahhh.
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