gekigengar gargant III!!! (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
aestivalis) wrote2012-06-06 08:54 am
aestivalis) wrote2012-06-06 08:54 am
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still listening to this song, meanwhile
Rushing out posts before I go to work and then being sad that they're a complete jumble is A+, right?
He would rather fall into a romanticised early grave than face the ugliness of living with his own weakness.
I spent yesterday evening rolling around in happy complacency and failing to do anything constructive. No harm no foul, but the second my head touched the pillow I suddenly realised the correct progression of thought with regards to where Daliquinn is at the moment. It sort of feels obvious, to the point that I'm not sure if it bears saying, but I'm going to transcribe exactly what I scrawled in my notebook last night and then see if there's anything worth additionally gleaning from it.
Bit of a succinct mess, but I think it ultimately sums things up. At least now I know what he needs to do. He has to talk about what happened. He has to accept it, I suppose, and come to terms with it. He needs to talk about it in relation to that hill, and he needs to talk about it in relation to Daimd himself - because the power that Daimd showed there? That unsettled and scared him too, and I think they could both benefit from some verbal acknowledgement of that.
So all they have to do is communicate?! GEE, WHAT IS THERE TO WORRY ABOUT NOW :D
The thing is, I think they're on the verge of something really powerful and binding. When Daliquinn is in a good mood he likes to paint the world as Us vs. Everything. When he's happiest, that's how he looks at things. That's what he loves - coming and going and being and doing whatever they please, being on that same wavelength of humour, of physicality, of pleasure in violence and pleasure in their own private language, their closeness and wholeness. When they work they work, so well. But so much time is occupied by Daliquinn being avoidant and angry because there are so many parts in himself that he doesn't think Daimd can see. Because he thinks that whatever it is Daimd is attracted to in him (his beauty of course, perhaps his smirking disdain, the way he holds himself above and apart from everything) would be compromised by any shows of what else lies beneath.
If they can just get through this, I think they'll be closer than they've ever been. If Daimd can just communicate how much he also lives by that code of "us", if Daliquinn can accept that Daimd isn't going to abandon him due to vulnerabilites. If Daliquinn can some to terms with the fact that being abandoned is something that bothers him in the first place, ahhh. They're just so close to really hitting that notion of partnership, of shedding some of the unspoken weight that hangs between them. I'm scared from them, but I'm nervously hopeful as well. It seems so close, and yet it's just that one dangerous word that stands between it all. Communication.
And now it is time for me to go again, so once more I have no time to see if this makes sense or to summarise it any better. I think it makes more sense than last time, though, that is good. THAT IS GOOD.
He would rather fall into a romanticised early grave than face the ugliness of living with his own weakness.
I spent yesterday evening rolling around in happy complacency and failing to do anything constructive. No harm no foul, but the second my head touched the pillow I suddenly realised the correct progression of thought with regards to where Daliquinn is at the moment. It sort of feels obvious, to the point that I'm not sure if it bears saying, but I'm going to transcribe exactly what I scrawled in my notebook last night and then see if there's anything worth additionally gleaning from it.
He would rather fall into a romanticised early grave than face the ugliness of living with his own weakness.
Death as a means of escaping himself. As a means of preserving what he and Daimd had. Daliquinn is going to languish in this dreaming romanticised half-suicidal state until he either follows through with Daimd in tow or else faces the truth of what happened. He was weak, he was helpless, he was dependent. He is not stronger than he was, he's just perfected the art of running. The moment he allowed a lapse in sense to take him back toward vice, he was reduced to that nothing state. To drift and die is forever better than living with the galling truth of his own forever failure.
Bit of a succinct mess, but I think it ultimately sums things up. At least now I know what he needs to do. He has to talk about what happened. He has to accept it, I suppose, and come to terms with it. He needs to talk about it in relation to that hill, and he needs to talk about it in relation to Daimd himself - because the power that Daimd showed there? That unsettled and scared him too, and I think they could both benefit from some verbal acknowledgement of that.
So all they have to do is communicate?! GEE, WHAT IS THERE TO WORRY ABOUT NOW :D
The thing is, I think they're on the verge of something really powerful and binding. When Daliquinn is in a good mood he likes to paint the world as Us vs. Everything. When he's happiest, that's how he looks at things. That's what he loves - coming and going and being and doing whatever they please, being on that same wavelength of humour, of physicality, of pleasure in violence and pleasure in their own private language, their closeness and wholeness. When they work they work, so well. But so much time is occupied by Daliquinn being avoidant and angry because there are so many parts in himself that he doesn't think Daimd can see. Because he thinks that whatever it is Daimd is attracted to in him (his beauty of course, perhaps his smirking disdain, the way he holds himself above and apart from everything) would be compromised by any shows of what else lies beneath.
If they can just get through this, I think they'll be closer than they've ever been. If Daimd can just communicate how much he also lives by that code of "us", if Daliquinn can accept that Daimd isn't going to abandon him due to vulnerabilites. If Daliquinn can some to terms with the fact that being abandoned is something that bothers him in the first place, ahhh. They're just so close to really hitting that notion of partnership, of shedding some of the unspoken weight that hangs between them. I'm scared from them, but I'm nervously hopeful as well. It seems so close, and yet it's just that one dangerous word that stands between it all. Communication.
And now it is time for me to go again, so once more I have no time to see if this makes sense or to summarise it any better. I think it makes more sense than last time, though, that is good. THAT IS GOOD.